Wednesday 9 December 2015

Neck nibblers and tinsel

As i type someone called Godric is killing a man called Gabe and now Eric has arrived. Season two of True Blood keeps me busy whilst i 1) tidy the house, 2) whilst i wrap Christmas presents and 3) keep my mind off  the op that is heading closer and closer Yesterday was the gynae physiotherapy talk. A model of the female bits causing giggles as the pelvic floor muscle, fell out, as we passed it around the room. We were all a little concerned about what was ahead, let's face it, our bodies are going to be cut and after the pain we will be a long time in recovering. I've plans in place, cross stitch and cardmaking will be my recovery aids, as well as watching my dvd's. And the odd bit of housework of the easy and light type.

I know this hysterectomy will be a blessing, i've had enough periods to last two life times and i just can't take the pain anymore. Labour pain levels every week is just too much. But this will be a challenge, and i know i must listen to the medical professionals, not people with their judgemental crap. And i know Christmas will be very different but i intend to make it very special for my son. I will do my best to have as much fun as i can, and i'm sure Christmas movies will be a good excuse to sit down and laugh.

At the same time, today i am thinking of all that needs doing before the 15th. The craft stuff that needs moving, the group tomorrow and the tv that still lingers in our lounge where a tree will go as soon as possible.
At the same time, i have boxes to sort through and a bookcase to tidy. Well i say tidy, it's craftbits, and they just need re-arranging so i can fit more on. I also have 4 presents to wrap today, before my son comes home from school. Got laundry to fold too.

So enough time typing, this lady has chores to do.

Friday 4 December 2015

Existence

In 11 days i have major surgery, A hysterectomy. I will go in and come out again, if all goes well. I will deal with this alone, and i doubt i'll have visitors whilst i am in. A nurse will come and maybe check on me when i go home, and days of mindless tv and stitching will be it for the first couple of weeks.

Today is housework, cardmaking and mindless tv. No phonecalls will break my day and the only post is christmas presents for people who have no time for me. My own flesh and blood, not my son, but my other family , my mum, my brother, people who are meant to like you, love you, etc.

I am making cards for people who don't ring, or text, and i'll post these cards at 95p a time, knowing that they will end up in a bin somewhere. Yes christmas time is here. And i feel no christmas spirit. I feel no joy, or happiness. I feel very alone and going out in the outside world is no longer an option. I have been made fully aware i don't fit. i have no purpose, no use other than to bring up my son and support him through what live throws at him. That is my only reason to exist.

I have no idea what i can do, other than keep going for my son, and hide the fact inside i feel dead and numb. As for this, no one will read it, no one will care and i just share my thoughts to the vastness of the world wide web. Another place i don't fit in either.